| and all the pieces suddenly fit. |
[Dec. 17th, 2008|12:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  determined | ] |
i haven't posted to this journal in over a year. i did sit through and read a lot of my prior entries because that's why we keep a blog... and i have to say: i really do amaze myself.
i cannot believe how far i have gotten in a year from the absolute gut wrenching pain that consumed me into a fierce pit of depression, misery, and a downright horrible outlook on life.
no. i can believe it. why? because i have the support of some wonderful friends.
and i am SO very glad to have that be a part of my PAST and not a part of my PRESENT. so let's talk about my present.
i went outside on my lunch smoke break, and half way through it, the feeling of having my life in order smacked me. the feeling of happiness is not unfamiliar to me, it's just been a long time since i've felt it.
i'm walking a dangerous line for love, but i think it's a worthy stroll.
*sigh*
i have all these things inside of me that i want to say, but making my fingers type out the words has become a challenge when it used to be my only comfort from my thoughts. i don't know when i became so closed.
maybe it's when i had my heart broken. and though i feel back to being myself, i'm not open anymore. and i hate you for taking that away from me. |
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| hm. |
[Oct. 15th, 2007|11:30 pm] |
.... hm.
.............. yeah. |
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| meh |
[Sep. 27th, 2007|10:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cold | ] |
today is jenn's birthday. we're doing something this weekend; of what i'm not sure yet - but ... not one of them said happy birthday to her without a reminder.
........ we're not kids anymore. most of us. we're adults. ... we used to be a family. we were. ... i don't think jenn and i have ever missed a birthday for any of them? ... i thought we were a family.
granted a few people will be seeing her this weekend, and they're busy, and they'll just say it then but...
still. no... nothing?
we're all at a point that we should be using the birthdays and holidays as reasons to be together ... but - ... we'll never all be together again. ... for now anyway.
but hey, it's cool though.
... and he wonders why we're not around anymore???
nobody likes the records that you play. |
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| hahahah |
[Sep. 24th, 2007|08:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
i'm free!
w00000000000h0000000000! |
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| ramblings |
[Sep. 20th, 2007|09:50 pm] |
i'm exhausted. the gym whooped my ass.
...
if i don't say this somewhere, it's going to eat me alive on the inside.
take the chain.
you're trying to dangle me on.
and go hang yourself with it.
i have no interest in playing a fucking game with you.
grow. up. and piss off.
if you can't be normal, be gone. k? thanks. |
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| bwahahah behold my evilness. |
[Sep. 19th, 2007|06:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  happy | ] |
i got to be a super bitch at work today.
let's go back in time a bit.
we have three domains: an internet site, an intranet site, and a testing site. our intranet was small because my focus had been elsewhere. constantly. when he started with us months ago, he requested all my user names and passwords, and i was hesitant and first, so nick told me do, and i did.
... and one day i woke up and he fucking had changed everything. to a WRETCHED template. without even telling me. i was pissed. really pissed. pissed enough to ask him if i could fuck with it - but i never did. i just wanted to see how he'd react.
back to reality...
at our last meeting, my boss asked me to take a copy of our main website and put it on our testing site. i let chipsid00dle do his thing (yes that's what we call him) instead because he'd already taken control over the domain and i was in "i don't give a shit" mode. let him fiddle with another template. you guys want him doing this stuff? fine. by all means.
he'd put up a test log in thing - it was ... workable. but he can't really code. he can use web site builders, so he can't hack the web pages that currently exist to log into our software, so he uses iframes and builds everything in as links which i find annoying.
they saw it. both of my bosses were not happy. the one that hired me, who i wish i could say i liked (but he's done some shitty things to me that aren't right), was just - not happy commented, " i thought we were going to put up a mock copy of our main site", and off chipsid00dle goes rambling about his in testing and shit and i look at nick, eye to eye - you want me to do it? and he, "yes, please". when we got out of the meeting, i messaged chip for his logins to the website and he started rambling about when i offered to make his logo transparent (he can't even do that). after i got them i walked into nicks office and confirmed that he wanted me to do that, and went back to get cracking.
took me about ... twenty minutes total. ten to hack the software's template html and ten to code it into our pages. up and running and good to go! admin/management wide email - HEY THE SITE IS UP!
i haven't spoken to chipsid00dle. it's been nice. |
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| ................. wowzers. |
[Sep. 17th, 2007|09:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  awake | ] |
so i got my PIANO!?!? (yay) and a hutch and an entertainment center from my mom today.
the house is - cozy.
(except there's no tv out there and you can't sit on the couch from what the cats have done to it.
but we're working on both of those.
the piano sounds ... off? on some notes. i think it's a bit higher than it should be. i can't find anything online that plays middle c for me to hear it.
sigh. it's later then i want it to be. and i can't believe it's monday again. and .. tuesday. this week is going to be hell. |
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| psshaw. |
[Sep. 16th, 2007|05:34 pm] |
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| |  contemplative | ] |
You believe you know what you want to do. After all, you gave it a lot of thought before you made up your mind. But reality isn't necessarily cooperating; it's as if the universe is overriding your decision for no apparent reason. Now you must live with the gap between your desires and your current situation. Don't be too concerned; the conflict will resolve, but it may take several days.
O RLY!??!?!?! |
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| yep. sure am. |
[Sep. 8th, 2007|11:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | amused | ] |
saturday night. here i sit, at home. jenn's in bed watching a movie.
i'm glad the house is back to normal.
but i'm tired of sitting here. the plans for tonight fell through; while half of me was relieved as i didn't have the energy to be W0000H0000, the other half is sad 'cause here i sit. bored.
i will find something for us to do next weekend. halloween is coming. i'm looking forward to going out. yep. sure am. i'll be able to dance for a while without getting tired - thank you gym.
oh! i should do some curls before my arms get tired. yes.
oh. and just for good measure, lemme through this in:
fuck you, nate.
it's been a while since i tossed that in there. |
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| today. was a good day. |
[Sep. 6th, 2007|10:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
i was busy as hell. it was BANG lunch time then BANG time to go 'cause i had to get to the gym.
we had a staff meeting at two and after a really hard speech (the market's down; not good), they talked about some better things and then got to resware.
we go live tomorrow.
oo. i'm... i'm wondering if i'll sleep tonight.
they tooted my horn for a little bit. quite a few times. it was nice. i felt it more from the office then i did from nick. i curtsied. i asked them all to leave me alone unless something was on fire or preventing them from working, and they did.
i got a lot of the lab set up. mike helped me a lot. nick volunteered him and iiiiiii took it! i have to thank him for dealing with me tomorrow when i'm normal. chip actually helped me a bit, too. i think to narrow when i get going. need to think bigger picture.
i left work late and got to the gym at six:fifty - which is when i wanted to get there. i had to race like a crazy person and jenn had to meet me there 'cause she left late, too. BUT!
in ... six weeks of going to the gym; some weeks a lot, some not, depending how nuts our lives have been... i've lost two pounds, an inch and a half in my thighs, half on my waist, and one and a half on my hips.
when i bought that red shirt and my funky plaidish pants, the shirt looked ok on me.
when i put it on yesterday, it's been three weeks since i've warn it, i could see it on me. i could feel it in the pants. i wore black slacks today - they were big when i got them, now they're literally falling off my hips; i don't know if i'll be able to wear them soon. oo.
oo. my ass jeans. i heart those jeans. give them a few more weeks. i'll be happy.
someone in my office today said my butt looked smaller!
i was -.-! i love marianna, though. she's good people once you get to talk to her. .. they all are. i miss dianne already. i can't believe... that.
it's bed time. early day tomorrow. let the fun begin. |
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| people never cease to amaze me |
[Sep. 4th, 2007|10:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
i've been staying out of the jen jen thing because i don't want my mouth to cause jen jen to not give jenn her money, but she's pissing me off.
*snarls*
my office is turning into a nightmare. i actually do fear for my job.
my hair needs color. i look at my default and then at my hair and it's all faded. yes. it's time to see miguel. hm.
i wish i could do that for jenn's birthday, too. we're both due. though the odds are he'd probably do her hair for free. i love that man.
read time. cat cuddle time.
*quietly* stupid genie. |
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| ramblings of a not so tired girl |
[Sep. 3rd, 2007|09:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blank | ] |
you know what nate? i pity you. i do.
you'll never feel full love. on the giving or receiving end. you're too blinded by the hate of the world.
you never felt the power of... me because of it.
you're so consumed by everything else, you don't stop to appreciate what's good.
but then again, i didn't at twenty one, either.
... or maybe i did.
sitting on the train on the way home, jenn and i started singing rent to annoy the lady behind us because she "swore she just heard it somewhere" (she was too drunk to realize it was us). and she finally turned around;
YOU TWO! ARE SINGING! RENT!
yes! very good! welcome to reality!
she rambled on about how she hated the movie, so i rambled on about how i did, too, and i had seen the show sixty one times.
ARE YOU JOKING?!
no.
WHY!? what does that do for your future?
it's not only the one rock i've had for twelve years (i didn't say that to her), but it's shaped the person i've become and continues to give me faith and hope that i'll be ok in this cruel transformation of this world.
she was taken aback. i could tell. for a second. if i thought it would have been easy, i would have talked her into seeing the show. the power of it, if you're open to it, is life changing.
i'm reading anthony rapp's book; why i haven't read it yet is beyond me. it's... moving isn't the word. it's made me cry twice. it's like being able to sit down and talk to him and ask anything and everything i've ever wanted to know.
jenn and i are watching rent anniversary clips on youtube. they're chilling. i love that cast. you can't not if you know.
*sighs* bed time soon. sad. |
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| the greatest day |
[Sep. 2nd, 2007|02:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy | ] |
yesterday i had the pleasure of being in the company of fifteen of the most talented people in the theatre industry.
jenn and i got up and the ass crack of dawn to get ourselves down to NYC to see anthony rapp & adam pascal back in RENT.
twice.
we had a good hour and a half to kill between the ticket drawings and the shows each time, so we got a lot of miscellaneous territory covered. element in new york does not have my hoodie anymore; they had the female fitted cut, but not the male normal loose fit. GR. they had a BITCHIN' green hoodie but it's too jenn and not me. no hoodie love for jessica. this trip.
we picked up all sorts of little trinkets from all over the city.
the show was... there are no words for those two. the energy on that state is like nothing i've ever seen. to be able to see those two perform again... i've been into this show for twelve years; it's a huge part of who i am and helped to shape the ideals i consider to hold truest in life.
measure in love. |
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| meh |
[Aug. 29th, 2007|10:43 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | thoughts | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
in the middle of the night a few nights ago, when i rolled over, i, out of reflex, made sure i pulled my hair up so i didn't throw it in your face, and then double took when i saw you weren't there.
what's up with that?!
i'm reading 'too soon old, too late smart' by gordon livingston. thirty things you should know about life. i knew four or five. the rest, as i read, i'm realizing i've perceived over time - it makes me wonder for a brief moment if i could have been a psychiatrist.
the book is... good. it's refreshing to read. he feels the way i do about ... everything so far. i've stopped on chapter six. i don't want to rush through it; it's tiny.
sigh. bed time i suppose. down the hatch goes the sleepy pill.
i wish to get rid of all of it. i really do. we are what we do.
we didn't go to the gym tonight. i feel like crap. i hate it. i can't wait to go tomorrow; it's going to be especially hard 'cause we haven't been all week - but bring it on.
i think she's going. i hope so. i can't take this house being the way it is anymore.
things aren't always what they seem.
*laughs* .... on that note, it's bed time. |
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| the weekend |
[Aug. 26th, 2007|02:05 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
oh how i love it.
jenn and i went out to ... brenton's point? i was in a good mood until we drove past nate's house. yep. it still takes that little to set me off. couldn't help it. consumed me the rest of the day.
tomorrow will be better, i hope.
my arms are starting to hurt from the gym.
we didn't get bread or eggs. we're bad.
now we're just going to have to go in the morning when we get up and come back and cook it and go to the gym. i don't want to buy food out anymore. it's too 'spensive.
meh. i don't wanna go to bed. but why not. it's two. i still can't believe i went to bed so early last night. ... wow.
... i'm gettin' old. |
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| wow |
[Aug. 26th, 2007|01:10 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy | ] |
to quote jenn:
that was the whitest thing i've ever seen you do.
i'm glad i went today. i'm a bit sad i didn't stay, but i just couldn't. |
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| i'm amused |
[Aug. 24th, 2007|10:32 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | chipper | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | westervoort | ] |
You might truly think that you have enough stamina to conquer the world. Although this may be a wonderful fantasy, don't try it or you'll quickly find yourself overextended. You can take on new projects with gusto now, but think about where you are going first, instead of just jumping right in. It's much smarter to head off in the right direction than to scatter your unrestrained enthusiasm all over the map.
heh. you have no idea how true that is. |
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| conclusions of the day |
[Aug. 21st, 2007|10:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | blah | ] |
1. i need to go to the gym for more reasons then my physical health.
2. i really need to go back to miguel - my hair is NOT as orange/red as it is in that pic and that's not good. he kinda gave me devil horns. i'll have to thank him. ;)
3. while unfortunately, some things do change, some things don't change. and that amuses me. :)
4. my mother, despite my greatest efforts of niceness, gets under my skin in two.point.two.
5. no matter how hard i try to actually work all day at work, i really hate my job, and that gets in the way horribly.
i'm looking forward to fall. i'm DYING to get a new hoodie. this one is beat to shit. holes everywhere. i've already had my eye on a few.
yep. that's all i got. |
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| meh. |
[Aug. 20th, 2007|11:02 pm] |
i hate you, nate. i hate you because you won't go away. tonight was like. beating the ghost. ... maybe i need a priest to perform an exorcism. :smirks: the devil is stuck in my house - sorry jenn.
i hope i'm able to sleep tonight. maybe i should lay down and read. yes. good idea. no more sitting here.
hating you. when will that stop. i'm tired of missing you. so. that's all i got left. anger. hold onto that. i'mma have to for a while. which is pathetic.
again i say - fuck you. fuck you so much - I'M GOING TO GO WATCH EIGHT MILE! HA! |
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| my favorite accessory |
[Aug. 20th, 2007|10:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  silly | ] |
it's come to my attention that i've been failing to use my favorite accessory the past month or so:
my middle finger.
in light of this oversight, you can now expect to see it used twice as often as normal.
i regret any inconvenience this may have caused you, world, in your photo taking experiences. |
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pikagrrl's journal
annoyed